Mom guilt. I am not sure how many times I have actually felt this way lately but as I sit here writing about it, I realize that I have not been at my best for a few weeks. I find myself being short with the kids and my husband and it’s like I have lost the ability to have patience. Having 5 kids is always a juggling act but up until a few weeks ago, I was doing really great. I have been able to spend time with the kids, keep my house livable (my house isn’t perfect but it’s lived in and is filled with love and too many toys), dinner on the table (really late the last couple weeks) and still find time to write and work on the blog until a few weeks ago when it’s almost like everything is just not getting done. My bathrooms need some TLC and packing up a house we have lived in for 10 years is definitely taking its toll. I have the 4 kids to get ready for school and rooms to sort out and pack up. I feel like things are just piling up on me and now with my hubby working too, it’s a lot on my plate. Not to mention the fact that my rheumatoid arthritis is taking an even bigger toll on me with the pain and exhaustion it brings.
I am sure that all parents, whether you have 5 or 1, have times when they feel like this. The guilt is brutal some days when I yell at them one too many times or if I don’t pay as much attention to them as I should. I hate not being at my best or doing my best to be the best mom that I can be. I yelled, I was mean and above all, I was not my best. I guess that maybe things have been building up and yesterday was literally the straw that broke the camel’s back but I was not good. It wasn’t even that the kids had really done anything more than just be kids, I just couldn’t take it yesterday. I took a few moments in the bathroom (even though I get no real peace in there either) and I cried.
I feel horrible for how I was with the kids and I hugged each one of them a little tighter before bed and said I was sorry. Kids are amazing and even though I know from experience that they will remember my anger, I know too that they will forgive. They will love me anyway. Today was a new day and today was a great day and tomorrow will be even better. I will push myself to wake up and be happy and grateful for all the things in my life. I will strive to be the best mom I can be and I know that my anger and frustration will rear its ugly head again but I will make sure to use different strategies to deal with the anger I feel. I vow to be a better model of how to deal with those feelings so that my kids can better deal with theirs.
Do you ever feel guilty? How do you figure it all out?