Every day I feel like I am letting so many balls drop. The parenting guilt is all-consuming lately. Since having my 5th child, I find my time and my body are stretched to the limit. Dinners aren’t as good as they used to be not to mention that most days lately I have been winging it and trying to figure out what to feed everyone at 6 p.m. My meal plan went out the window the last few weeks as I have been feeling overwhelmed, over-touched and just plain exhausted. I have been also feeling like I am dropping balls on the blog as well. I just want to write but the baby has had other plans the past few weeks. I also have so many recipes I want to try out but haven’t had any time in my kitchen to bring them to life.
I also feel like my other kids are suffering from lack of mommy time too. They ask me to take them to bed but I am usually sitting on the couch breastfeeding baby and so they have to settle with my husband taking them up and tucking them in. I miss doing it and when I can do it, I usually do but then there are nights when I could do it but I am so tired I opt for having hubby do it anyway. The #MomGuilt is real. It is unbelievably brutal lately. Am I truly parenting my children the way they deserve? Am I being the best mom that I can be?
I will tell you every day I feel like I am failing them in some way. Did I pack them enough healthy foods in their lunch? Dinner is chicken nuggets and fries for the second time this week. I also feel so guilty when I just want a few minutes to myself even though I know that I need that time to truly be the best I can be for them. Yesterday, I literally went into the bathroom and broke down into tears. I was just feeling so stressed about everything. My son’s Tourette’s issues, my 8-year-olds inability to do even the most simple of tasks without bursting into tears, my daughter wanting my attention to just talk and I just can’t do it at that moment they need me. I feel like I am being pulled in 500 directions and I am tired and I feel like I am failing them all.
So when my daughter said something to me the other day about what woman inspires her and how she felt, I was so proud of the young woman she is becoming. This is what she said:
Then she said, “Honestly, you inspire me because you always seem to get everything done even with us pain in the butt kids”. Typical teenager speak but she also made me feel like maybe I have been doing something right. Even when I think I am dropping all the balls, she thinks I am still getting everything done. Maybe it is all just in my head or maybe it just doesn’t matter to them that dinner was nuggets twice this week or that the bathroom and living room aren’t the cleanest they could be. I have been hard on myself when no one else cared. So my advice to anyone who feels like this, just remember, that the way you see yourself is not the way your kids see you at all. You are doing the best you can, you are the best mom you can be and no one but you is judging how you are doing it. My kids see me in a way I could never have hoped for and with every ball I drop, I know they are following behind me picking them up. It’s time for me stop feeling the parenting guilt I feel and I realize, that I am raising some amazing little humans.