Our Pregnancy – 19 Week Update and Gender Reveal
Today was an exciting day in our pregnancy. We went for our anatomy scan at 1 p.m. This scan is very detailed and they are checking everything on the baby. The heart, the brain, kidneys and other organs to make sure baby is doing okay in there. I was excited to not only see our rainbow baby again but to also hopefully find out if we are adding another little boy or getting the little girl I am secretly hoping for.
What was supposed to be amazing today turned out to be a little upsetting for me. I know this sounds selfish and awful and I also know how many women would kill to be in my shoes and be pregnant at all and have the ability to have a baby but I had my heart so set on a girl, I didn’t even consider that we could be having another boy. I had all the wives tale symptoms of girl and although I know they are just wives tales, I wanted so badly to believe. I mean we had a girl’s name picked that we loved that meant so much to us that I will never get to use. I love this baby as much as I love my other children, it being a boy will have no bearing on my love at all. This baby is our rainbow, our calm after the storm and although it isn’t a baby girl as I had hoped, I already love him.
However gender disappointment is very real and the wave of emotions that came over me was rough. Pregnant hormones and the fact that I will never have another little girl really hit me. I also know that these feelings are completely normal and that by acknowledging them, I am able to deal with them properly and not have them consume me and make me resentful. Above all I am grateful. Grateful and thankful that I am able to be pregnant and have this baby who looked absolutely perfect on the scan today but a little sad that I won’t ever get my frills and bows again.
I also realize how awful I must sound and no one feels worse about it than I do. I feel guilty that I am even upset. I am absolutely feeling the like the worst mother ever and how could I possibly be so upset that I have a beautiful, healthy baby boy growing in my womb but I do, well I did. It was only initially when we first found out and I am fine with it now and grateful that he is perfect.
On top of all of this I also have an anterior placenta and if you don’t know what that means, it means that I will more than likely be closer to 24 or 25 weeks before I will even feel the baby moving. An anterior placenta is also taking away some of the weeks of my final pregnancy that I would have had feeling baby that I won’t get now because it is growing in the front of my uterus and it sucks. It also means that when I do feel those first real kicks, I will be the happiest momma ever.
I have already moved on and decided this baby deserves all my love and joy and so starts what will be a very long 20 weeks, as it is proving difficult to even agree on a boy’s name. With my husband being British he keeps bringing up very old British names (or weird names that I would never use) which I don’t really like and all of the suggestions I make, he doesn’t like either. At the end of the day, I am thankful and grateful that I have been blessed one final time with the chance to carry a baby and although it wasn’t what I was hoping for, this baby will have so much love and so many siblings to spend time with. It doesn’t matter that I am not getting my sugar and spice and all things nice, estrogen is overrated anyway.
Tags : 19 weeks pregnant, baby #5, baby boy, gender disappointment, pregnancy
