Yesterday was my due date. It came without contractions or labour and most definitely without a baby. It was just another day, almost like I had forgotten and then it hit me. Yesterday or even before we should have had another addition to our already large family. Today I am longing for what should have been. I wear a charm around my neck every day to remind me that we have another little one who was just too special for this world and was taken from us too soon.
It has been a difficult path to have the baby I so desperately wanted and with 3 chemicals and the loss of our angel, I almost was ready to give up. Something told me not to. That we needed to try just a little while longer. I decided though that it was time to see a specialist because my age was definitely not on my side as was the fact that we want to give little man a sibling close in age to him. I saw the fertility specialist the beginning of January and we made a plan. If I fell pregnant in January, she would follow me closely with what she calls the “TLC approach” which consists of HCG tracking from the day we think we are pregnant to make sure my HCG levels increase and ultrasounds every couple of weeks to monitor how baby is growing and how things are going overall as well as being put on progesterone until the first trimester is over. Should I not get pregnant then the testing would start with cycle monitoring which also consisted of bloodwork, ultrasounds and monitoring of my cycle to make sure everything is working well and to also test to see that my uterus and tubes are clear and in good condition.
We also discussed how far I am willing to go to have one more and to be honest the cycle monitoring and maybe a few additional tests were about as far as I want to go at my age. We obviously don’t have any issues getting pregnant but staying pregnant seemed to be the issue in 2015.
So as I mourned once again the loss of our angel baby, I am hopeful that the powers that be will be granting the only wish I have for 2016 and that is a little one to bring home.