I cried. I cried hard and long until I couldn’t cry anymore
Do you ever just feel like your whole entire world just isn’t right at that moment? I mean I am totally in love with my husband, I love my kids with every ounce of my being but today was rough. We had a really great afternoon with the kids at the Santa Clause parade in Mississauga where we live and we enjoyed a nice evening just chilling out at home. However during the parade, although I was happy to just spend some time with my family, no social media, no work, I couldn’t help but feel a little sad and empty. All around us while we were watching the parade, I had to have seen at least 6 or 8 pregnant women. Although just seeing them made me smile, it also made me sad and angry. I cried for a good chunk of my time in the shower tonight for all the things that should have been but aren’t.
I was angry because I should be looking and feeling very pregnant right now. Our baby would have been here in 2 more months and I was angry that my body had betrayed me. I have moved on since the loss but unfortunately there are some things that still trigger the sadness and seeing pregnant women is one of them. I always feel happy for them first and foremost because the struggle for some to even have a child is very real but I also feel sad for the one we lost. The baby that should have been joining us after Christmas, the little boy or girl who would have made our family complete is now but a memory.
I still feel like our family is incomplete and I am afraid that we may never get the chance to finish it. This month I once again had a chemical pregnancy. I even waited until my period was late to test and I was so excited to see the line on the test. I was so happy and just as quickly as that happiness came it was stripped from me again only a few short days later. So in the last year we have had 2 chemical pregnancies and a loss. I am not sure how much more of this damn roller coaster I can take, it hurts my heart every time and I am trying to stay positive and strong but it’s becoming clear to me that maybe the 5th child I so long to have may never come. I have no idea when or if I will ever be okay with that but I guess if it doesn’t happen, I will have to be.
We won’t be trying too much longer as hubby just turned 40 and I am nearing that mark as well and the whole point of having 1 more was so that little man could have another sibling close to his age, someone else to play with when his older siblings are at school or with their dad. I know that right now we will keep trying but I can’t say for how long as the disappointment is getting harder each month as I know age is against me when it comes to my fertility. I also wonder if the reason we don’t have number 5 is because we aren’t supposed to. I am not sure I am ready to do that yet, to just give up but I guess at some point I will just have to whether I am ready to or not.