Since our loss, I have spent countless hours in different forums chatting with other women who have also lost a baby recently and it has been both helpful and emotionally draining as well. You spend time chatting about the loss and you feel sadness and then you see a post where one woman has gotten her positive test and another showing you an ultrasound of their rainbow baby and you feel happy for them, but for me at the same time I felt a little jealous. I want that rainbow to be mine too and I am not giving up hope and we are trying again and I can only hope that this time next year, we will have our rainbow.
While chatting in these forums I noticed quite a few woman telling stories about the things people had said after they found out they had miscarried and some were just absolutely horrible and others were just not appropriate at that moment. I saw someone ask “Are you still a mother if you have no living child?” or “When someone asks you how many kids you have, what do you say?”
My answer to both of these questions is simple, yes I believe wholeheartedly that you are a mother even if you have no living children. The losses whether early in the womb or tragically after make you no less of a mother than someone who has a child living. Just because you will never see their beautiful face doesn’t mean they don’t exist, it just means they don’t exist now. They are forever etched in our hearts and minds no matter what others feel. When someone asks how many children I have, I always say 5 but one sadly never made it to this earth.
So here is my list of things not to say to a woman who has recently miscarried, some I personally heard and some are from some other wonderful women who gave me some of theirs for this post.
- You are still young, you can try again. Thank you, we all know we can “try again” but it’s not comforting at the moment of loss
- At least you already have kids. Yes for some of us, we do already have children but it does not ever diminish the feelings of losing the baby we just lost
- Everything happens for a reason. I will tell you that although I believe this 100%, the first week after the loss of my baby this was not helpful. I was hurting and emotionally numb and hearing this just made me feel worse
- Well at least it happened early. This one does not help ever. I know for me, that the minute I saw that positive pregnancy test, I was in love with our little miracle and whether I had only mere weeks and they never took a breath outside of my womb, it doesn’t make it hurt any less because it happened to me before baby was born
- You should just get over it and move on. This was told to me by a woman who was struggling to move on after her loss. Loss is different for all of us, grief affects everyone on a different level. Some, like me, are able to move on quickly although never forgetting and others will take time to heal fully. I don’t think there is a time frame for dealing with loss and this should never be said to anyone after a loss no matter what that loss is