I feel like lately I haven’t had a chance to just sit down and write for me. Since the loss of our baby, I am have been playing catch-up on the blog and then when I do get a second to write for me, it seems that the only thing that feels like coming out of me is about our loss. But this post feels different, feels lighter and with much more happiness.
A friend told me that it’s my blog and I should just write about what I feel and if right now all I feel like writing about is the loss then I should just do it and make no apologies for it. Well she was absolutely right and I won’t apologize for writing exactly what I want and about what I want. I did notice that when I was writing and sharing about our loss, some readers were offended in some way and actually chose to hide those posts or every post from me and I am okay with that. If they are offended by my loss, then they were never really interested in what I have to say to begin with.
I treasure, no cherish, each and every one of my readers and I hope that you come to visit for more than just my giveaways. I hope that it’s because you like what you see and read here. If you just come for the giveaways that’s cool too but just know that I will keep doing what I started this blog for, writing about my life, my loves and the ups and downs that make me who I am.
So 6 weeks post loss and I am good. I am good with where I am and I am at peace with our loss. I feel like whatever the reason is that we weren’t supposed to have this baby, it’s okay. I also know that I am not alone. I am not alone in my loss and I am thankful for the amazing support system around me from family, friends and from all of you. I was actually very hopeful when I read about Mark Zuckerberg and his wife’s losses, I found it helpful that someone with such notoriety came out and told their story of loss and the loneliness of it. I appreciated the honestly and the emotion behind his statement.
I actually did one of those psychic reading things online a few days after we lost our baby. I did it, although I don’t really believe in that stuff, but I was so sad and filled with grief that I guess I just wanted to be given some hope. My reading came back saying that I would either find out we are pregnant in September or have a due date in September and that we would have a girl. So that means either next month we will find out that we are expecting again and we will have a baby next summer or we will get pregnant again at Christmas and welcome a new life in September of 2016. I don’t know how much faith I will put in this, but if nothing else it gave me hope and something to look forward to again. It may not happen at either of those times but I am hopeful that it will happen and that we will have a new baby to be excited about again.
I know that the pregnancy after our loss is going to be tough. I hope that I have enough strength to remember that the odds of miscarrying again aren’t any higher because it happened once so that I can truly enjoy my pregnancy as it will be my last. I am making a pact with myself to do my very best to not worry about every little thing as I don’t want our loss to ruin the joy I feel when I am pregnant. I don’t want the loss to overshadow the new life except as a reminder that life is precious and sometimes too short.
I have so many things to be grateful and joyful for and every day I am reminded of those things and for the life I have been given. 4 beautiful children, an amazing husband and a job that I absolutely love. To be able to have one more child will be nothing less than a miracle and a blessing but if it shouldn’t happen, I have so much in my life that makes me happy. So no longer is my life about the pursuit of happiness but rather relishing in it, as I already have it all.