Grief is a very powerful emotion. I have felt this emotion several times over my 38 years but never as much as I feel it today. I feel consumed by grief and pain but I can’t let it take over and hold me, although I want it to so badly. I want to curl up in a ball and just let the tears fall until I have none left. I read a post a few days ago from one of my favourite bloggers, Sarah from Journeys of the Zoo about loss and I will tell you what I said to her rings so true for me right now more than ever.
“It doesn’t matter if they lived 9 seconds or 90 lifetimes, the loss is yours to feel…”
I never imagined that I would be dealing with this myself just a few short days later. The baby that we so desperately wanted and tried so badly for, passed away 3 weeks ago, although I didn’t find out until yesterday that it was gone. I have never felt so alone and devastated. The words that were being spoken were a blur to me and I just wanted to scream and yell at anyone that I could blame for taking my baby. I have never really believed in God but all of a sudden it was his fault, He took my baby. I then blamed myself although I know in my heart that I did nothing wrong and that this wasn’t my fault but it almost seemed easier to blame myself than to think that something so horrible could just happen. I took for granted that because I had 4 wonderful pregnancies that all ended with healthy, happy babies that this wouldn’t happen to me. This loss is just eating at me, gnawing on my gut and my heart. I think what makes this worse for me is know that for 3 weeks my baby lay in my womb with no life before my body decided to tell me that something was wrong.
I was given my options for dealing with my loss and I chose to have the surgical D & C procedure purely out of cowardice I think. I couldn’t imagine spending the next days, weeks or even as long as a month waiting for nature to take is course which they call “expectant management” or use a prescription prostaglandin to induce a sick form of labour so I could spend 20 minutes to an hour sitting in a bathroom waiting for my baby to leave me. These options were not for me and I chose to have it done while I slept and when I woke up, it would be done. I don’t remember anything after falling asleep until I woke up in recovery with such a feeling of loss I couldn’t contain the tears, they flowed freely down my cheeks as I realized that where there once had been a living baby in my womb, there was now just emptiness. Even worse I get to spend the next few weeks still feeling pregnant and sick until my hormone levels drop to zero, a constant reminder of what was, along with bleeding and just feeling empty.
I can’t even explain the feelings that I am having. The things that I have still done even knowing that the baby is gone. I feel stupid when I rub my belly as I know there is nothing there but for the last 11 weeks there was. My pregnancy books were out when I got home, my ultrasound picture from just before my baby died, even my prescription for morning sickness has set me off. I cry every time I see something on TV and now no matter where I go, there are pregnant women everywhere. I totally get it now. For all the women who have lost a baby, I get it. I had no idea the pain or loss that you felt but I do now and I am so sorry for each and every one of those losses.
I needed to write this post as a kind of therapy for myself. I needed to document our loss and all of my emotions. As happy and excited as I was to let you all know about our baby, it was equally important for me to tell you about the loss of it. I will tell you that when I got home after the procedure, I hugged each of my kids just a little tighter, thankful that they were here when I came home, grateful that I have each of them but so devastated by the loss of what should have been.
I will never hear their cry or feel their little feet kick but I am and always will be their mommy. My little one was taken from me far too soon but will always have a little piece of my heart. When I am asked I will say that I have 5 children although one is no longer with us. I grieve for what should have been and I am allowed. We are allowed. Although my husband shows very little emotion, I know that this weighs heavily on his heart too but he is staying strong for me because he knows how much I need to lean on him now. His shoulders will take the weight of both our pain and he will not complain or express anything but support and love for me. He is my rock and I am thankful for his strength.
Our journey for baby #5 is over for now but as time heals all wounds, we will all heal too. I am strong and I am also a firm believer that all things happen for a reason. I thought about deleting all the posts and pictures and even throwing away our ultrasound picture from when our baby was alive and well in my womb but I will not. I will not erase this baby because it was and will always be one of my babies. We lost something precious and I will not erase that. I am taking some time away for a bit as I take time to grieve with my family but I will return stronger and happy for all of the things precious in my life, but for now I weep for my baby.
“No one can know how much I loved you, because you are the only one that knows what my heart sounds like from the inside” ~Author Unknown